Really hurting...

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl#Good suggestions, Eileen. Thanks again. I will give it a try...but there was little about him that annoyed me. I guess I could use specific instances...but there were few general things that bugged me.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl#The letter, when I began, was not at all venomous. I was not yet angry with him when I started it. It was sort of sweet, and...I guess reminiscent might be the word. I don't think that's exactly it, though. As I mentioned in an earlier post, writing is therapy for me - most of the time, sometimes its just too intense - which is why I haven't touched it since last week. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl#It was by no means an attempt to make him change his mind or anything. It was honest, and heartfelt. And, was meant to be a different level of closure for me. Does that make sense? I mean, yes, I have his answer, and I said what I needed to say at the time...but there's also the aspect that there are some things I feel for him that I never told him I felt, etc. I don't know for sure that I would send it. With my ex, I wrote one with no intention of him ever seeing it - now #ed_op#EM#ed_cl#that#ed_op#/EM#ed_cl# was venomous!! But, it was strictly for me, so I held nothing back. With Mike, I was able to say some of those more venomous things to him, I held nothing back when I spoke to him on the phone. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#6000bf#ed_cl#But...something this time, tells me to send it. Of course, that all depends on whether I ever bother to open it and finish it, too - and, of course, how much the tone changes with what has happened since I started it. Because, ultimately, the intent is not to create any more problems for either of us. ::shrug:: Not sure yet. We'll see.  #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Eileen]

#ed_op#TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"#ed_cl##ed_op#TBODY#ed_cl##ed_op#TR height="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on" width="100%"#ed_cl##ed_op#TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off"#ed_cl#Yes Bri, strangely enough I do understand what you are saying.  We all have our own little ways of dealing with lifes challenges and brick walls.  If yours it writing a letter or a book if only for yourself to read and no one elses eyes that is great...or if you feel better with sending the letter to "him" or the Easter Bunny....that is good, you do what you have to do, it is therapy and it will help get things out of your system.  I think that you sound like you have taken low blow like a trooper and are handling the situation with dignity and class.  He may come to his senses, probably too late if he is like most men...but hey who knows but he will eventually realize what an ass he has been, but you will have gotten over him and into another phase of you life.  Too bad for Mike....#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/TD#ed_cl##ed_op#/TR#ed_cl##ed_op#TR UNSELECTABLE="on" hb_tag="1"#ed_cl##ed_op#TD style="FONT-SIZE: 1pt" height=1 UNSELECTABLE="on"#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV id=hotbar_promo#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/TD#ed_cl##ed_op#/TR#ed_cl##ed_op#/TBODY#ed_cl##ed_op#/TABLE#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#No doubt he will realize he's made a mistake in letting me go, and particularly in doing so in such a manner. If I am available when he realizes that (yes, I did say when, lol) then he will have a lot of work to do, if I am even still interested - in order to have a chance at my heart again. He will, at the very least, need to prove that he is worthy of getting my attention again. I will not give him my heart a second time, if there is even the slightest chance that he still has this level of an issue with his past. But, getting waaaaaaaaay ahead of time here. I wonder, though...if that is what the knot in my stomach (the gut feeling) is about. ::shrug:: Dunno.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#The letter has been on my mind all day long. I really need to work on it. But I have been doing well the last 2 days and I don't want to cause myself to revert to being a mess. Ugh. I will wait. I don't want to finish it and send it this early, anyway. I still want him to squirm. >:O)#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#And I have written 2 poems in the last few days, too...I haven't written a poem in over 2 yrs...the last one I wrote, was sometime around the days of my ex...#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[chenders01]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Brianna, is there any way that you can get away for a couple days?  A friend you could go and visit and just hang out with...go shopping, go out for some drinks...whatever??  I think that a change of scenery, and doing something different with a good friend, might give you the break you need, to think/focus on something other than Mike and your relationship.  You may come back with a whole new perspective on the situation.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Just a suggestion, but I get the feeling that you're spending a lot of time alone, dwelling on the relationship.  It's normal to question the "whys" but you can't let it consume you either.  Write your thoughts down if you need to, then put it away for a couple days.  Don't send it to him.  In a few days or week, pull it back out and re-read it, and decide THEN whether you want to send it to him or not.  My guess is that you won't want to.  #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Find other things to do.  If it's too hard to be at home because that's when you spent the most time with him, then don't stay at home.  You've got a horse...now is the perfect time to spend time with her, riding her, grooming her, and concentrating on HER, rather than Mike.  Just keep yourself really busy, and try to not put yourself into situations that remind you of him.  If you do start to think of him, pick up the phone and call someone else.  #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#You'll get through this!#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#    #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#No, Chenders. No way I can get away. Between work and school, its just not an option. I don't think this is a valid reason to "call out sick." Also, my closest friends are 1300 miles away. But, that is exactly why I went out Saturday night -- for something different, etc. Not to mention the fact that I am 2 months behind on bills because I bounced a check in August. That's another matter entirely, though. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I don't think I am as bad as I am probably coming across here, lol. But, remember this thread is dedicated to the situation...#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I did go and ride the other day after work, before I went out. And Sunday, I spent a few more hours with my mom doing some things around the house we've been meaning to do, and then went out with my grandmother for a bit to get my mom a birthday present. When I got home, I did my homework, talked to one of my friends and went to bed. It's not as if I am shutting the world out or anything. Yes, I'm still thinking about it, and talking about it. But I am gradually getting away from that. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#The thing with the letter...I learned a hard lesson a year and a half ago when I had a gun to my head. I don't like to let things go unsaid anymore, life is entirely too short. I like people to know exactly how I feel and why...good, bad or indifferent. And, what you said was my plan...I wasn't going to finish it and send it to him that instant. I was going to sit on it for a day or two or even three, maybe even until next week sometime - maybe have my closest friend read it over for me - and then decide if I still thought he needed to read it. I think I probably will...but maybe I won't.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I dunno. I am taking it one day at a time. I am distracting myself when I can, allowing some of the thoughts when I can, but if they come at a bad time then I push them away. A little earlier, I called my friend Tricia and said, tell me the lamest joke you know. She did, it made me laugh. ...generally, I am making a noble attempt at restoring my life and readjusting to not having him in it. I may not be succeeding fully, yet - but it hasn't even been a week yet, and I need more time.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[chenders01]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Aww, Brianna...it sounds like you're doing just fine.  You seem to be a very sensible, mature, level-headed girl.  You're gonna get through this and be that much stronger of a person afterwards (what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?).  Keep your chin up and know that we're all here to support you when/if you need us  #ed_op#IMG src="http://forums.equestrianconnection.com/richedit/smileys/Happy/20.gif"#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Kobau]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Bri, sounds like you are doing good.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Ruth i wasn't implying (way back early on in this thread) that ya'll didn't know how this felt. I was saying that she had a pm from someone in the same boat at the same time.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Ruth]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Yeah I wasn't sure, Kobau, the typewritten word being without inflection! I jumped to that conclusion, but then on the drive home thought, ohhh, she probably didn't mean in it thaaat way.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#Yes, doing good. Surviving, all that. lol.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I do miss him. I have realized that I was in deeper than I thought I was...which of course, adds an element of difficulty. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I got another email from him yesterday (again, not a very personal one) - this one, no doubt was an attempt to make me laugh. I shook my head, but I didn't laugh. Nor did I respond. I think he got the hint. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I finished the letter, I am just waiting on my friend to read it - and then I will sit on it until early next week before I decide officially if I am going to send it to him. Still pretty sure I will, but who knows -- a lot can happen and change in 5 days, as I found out recently, lol. Sheesh. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[annie]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#One of the things I found most helpful was to write the letter whe I was feeling upset.  Then I just saved them (yes, there are many) and didn't send them.  Then when I simmered down and felt like sending a more "sane" letter I wrote it too and saved it.  I did this a bunch of times.  I ended up sending none of them.  I suggest you write, re-write, vent away etc and then promise yourself you will let it sit for at least 3 days before you send it.  If you have a hesitation about sending it, don't.  Or make a new draft and wait 3 days again.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#It helped me articulate all of my feelings.  In the end, I didn't think The Ex deserved to know about those feelings, which is why I never sent any of the letters.  Try it.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[babytigger]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#i'm one of those too who'll write the letter the minute i feel the venting has to be done (if i do it in person- look out!!)....get it out of my system...think about it, and either re-rwite it more sanly (marginally) or just re-do it entirely.....don't think i've ever sent them, but i've found it helps me get things out of my system....same with sending nasty emails as well.......i do those the same way.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#glad to hear you're doing ok bri!#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#lol, Yes I do know better than to write something and send it immediately - regardless of tone. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I had my best friend read it last night - she said its very well written - she said its actually better written than most of my papers! I asked if anything was too much or if it was repetitive anywhere (or if I had not mentioned anything that had been said to her or something), and she said it was really good and very, very honest throughout. As I said, this is not a nasty letter...not by any means, lol. I got the nasty things out when I was on the phone with him. But it did help me get everything else out, and to better determine how I feel about him, and why I reacted the way I did - and what I wanted or hoped for, what I like about him, etc. I am going to sit on it until Tuesday, and if I read it again then and decide I still think I need to share it with him, then I will send it. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[graciespook]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#One of the things I found most helpful was to write the letter whe I was feeling upset.  Then I just saved them (yes, there are many) and didn't send them.  Then when I simmered down and felt like sending a more "sane" letter I wrote it too and saved it.  I did this a bunch of times.  I ended up sending none of them.  I suggest you write, re-write, vent away etc and then promise yourself you will let it sit for at least 3 days before you send it.  If you have a hesitation about sending it, don't.  Or make a new draft and wait 3 days again.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#It helped me articulate all of my feelings.  In the end, I didn't think The Ex deserved to know about those feelings, which is why I never sent any of the letters.  Try it.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#I do the same thing..I get so emotional and caught up in the moment, I find I return to the same letter a month later and am able to approach it with more clarity. I am happy that I haven't sent most of these letters. #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Chin up, things will get better, and you're being strong. We're all here for you!#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[annie]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Oh, sorry Brianna.  I didn't read the last post you had made before I posted.  duh.  You sound like you're all on top of the situation.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Gracie - no kidding, huh?  Read them a year later and it's amazing to contrast the level of emotions.#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I wrote an entry in my journal last night because I couldn't sleep...I figured something was on my mind but couldn't pinpoint it, so thought it might help. It did, as#ed_op#EM#ed_cl# #ed_op#/EM#ed_cl#I expected. And then I was flipping through it, skimming old entries...there's one from March 2003, when I found out my grandmother was selling the house in MA and we were moving to FL. I was horrified and so scared...not only of the change, but also of leaving behind everything and everyone I knew. Now I am here, and I love it. I will never go back, other than to visit. lol...lots of other things, too, that I hadn't remembered feeling - or hadn't thought about in a long time. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#Surprise, surprise. Weekends are tougher than the rest of the week!#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I really, really miss him. I really want to talk to him. I am trying to do anything but think about him. And so far I've been successful in terms of resisting the urge to call him. I'm not having too much luck with not thinking about him, though, lol. I've called just about everyone I know in the last 2 days...unfortunately, we're all busy, and our schedules rarely match up...so I haven't really been able to talk to anyone. Ugh. I went out to someone I work with's house last night for a while, which helped a little. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#It's hard to keep myself busy, because I am busy all week long, and when I have an afternoon off, like now, I really want to relax and do nothing, but I just can't...sheesh. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#This sucks. I don't wanna grow up!#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Ruth]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Yep, growing up has no appeal to me either!#ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Hang in there girl! Do you like crosswords? How about taking some SPCA dogs for a walk on a weekend afternoon? Anyone want you to ride a horse for them? #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl#Just step away from the phone...#ed_op#IMG src="http://forums.equestrianconnection.com/richedit/smileys/Teasing/18.gif"#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#lol, Ruth.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I should be riding my own pony, but its too hot and I have no motivation. I will go spend some quality time with her tomorrow. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I was going to go to the movies with a girl from school, but then I found out mom and my uncle and his g/f had plans for all of us to have dinner, etc. So, I told the girl from school we'd hang out some other time. Plus we couldn't agree on a movie that had a time we could both make, lol.#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#I have been good...I have not even punched his number into my phone, no text messages, no calling. ::nods defiantly:: It has NOT been easy though!! Ugh...............#ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#

[Eileen]

#ed_op#TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"#ed_cl##ed_op#TBODY#ed_cl##ed_op#TR height="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on" width="100%"#ed_cl##ed_op#TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off"#ed_cl##ed_op#P#ed_cl#yes, I agree, tis a bitch to grow older, however it happens to the best of us.  lol  I also agree with Ruth,,,leave the cell phone home or in the car or where ever it is not handy.  The temptation will not be near so strong with the phone out of reach.#ed_op#/P#ed_cl##ed_op#P#ed_cl#But it does sound like you are getting along great considering the circumstances.  You are a strong willed young lady and you can conquer this little challenge as you have others in the past.   #ed_op#/P#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/TD#ed_cl##ed_op#/TR#ed_cl##ed_op#TR UNSELECTABLE="on" hb_tag="1"#ed_cl##ed_op#TD style="FONT-SIZE: 1pt" height=1 UNSELECTABLE="on"#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV id=hotbar_promo#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#/TD#ed_cl##ed_op#/TR#ed_cl##ed_op#/TBODY#ed_cl##ed_op#/TABLE#ed_cl#

[Brianna]

#ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#...like I said, I am determined to not talk to him for a month, unless he talks to me first. And I have been making an effort to be less attached to my phone, which isn't easy, either, lol. It's just difficult because I've realized I felt/feel more for him than I thought I did...more than I was aware of at the time. I am not sure if it was officially love - because I don't know what it feels like, but it was absolutely close, if not already there...#ed_op#BR#ed_cl#::shakes head:: and I still have my opinions on why this happened in the first place, lol. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl##ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl# #ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#DIV#ed_cl##ed_op#FONT color=#8000ff#ed_cl#Anyway...I was thoroughly distracted last night. We had a lot of fun...my uncle bought lobsters for us girls, and he had steak. His g/f made us all martinis. When we finished dinner, we played a card game called Phase 10. It's a lot of fun...and definitely a lot more entertaining when everyone is drinking, lol. And then I talked to my friend Tricia for 45 minutes or so, and had her laughing at me because I was rather tipsy, lol. #ed_op#/FONT#ed_cl##ed_op#/DIV#ed_cl#